10 steps: How to be an intellectual

Being an intellectual (pseudo) is just as much important these days as is using underarm fairness cream.
Unless you are one, you might end up being neglected by the ones who have nothing better to do than to quote all the authors or philosophers or historians or Mr. timbaktoo for that matter. The ones who talk like people around them want them to. Much too similar to the underarm fairness cream. (I still wonder why not use a frrrucking white paint instead if its all that embarassing to look natural ).
Anyway, in interest of all I shall giveaway the secrets of being an intellectual for free. Yes, you read it right. FREE!
10 easy steps and you shall walk out tall and intelligent after that!

1.  Use Google and Wiki even if you seek for your camlin pen . Note things down and use them in any random conversation with any random person. To talk in such detail about small things make people go Waaaaw!To add: Read reviews for some award winning author or book. Or if that is too much just know the names of few.
2. Have something to say about Arundhati Roy and Salman Rushdie. Good or Bad. Right or wrong. Just about anything will do as long as you are taking their names right.
3. Crib about political condition and Government policies. Crib about anything and everything. As long as you crib people think you know about things and have an opinion.
Note: Refer to point 1 and  google about who is the PM before trying it out.
4.Wear a kurti/kurta and carry a book or a diary in a shoulder strap bag. Carry a serious yet smiling face, to seem all mysterious. Be careful not to try it out in areas of high security. I will not be responsible if cops decide to pick you up for acting suspicious.
5. Guys - Grow your beard and moustache. Girls- A bindi always helps.
6. Mention the name "Sigmund Freud" in a conversation and start talking nonsense. Try the same with "Kant".  Make sure you know what the name sounds like before you try this one.
7. Criticise Chetan bhagat . That is one thing that sort of serves as qualifier. You just have to have to mock
Chetan Bhagat. It does not matter if the only thing you ever wrote went straight to your bin.
Take a dig at him and his English and you will be all welcome to the group of intellectuals.
8. Watch (or sleep through) some art movies dating back to stone age. Foreign language is a plus. Talk of how good and artistic they are. (This one is easy as most around would not even know).
Use the word "Aesthetics" just as frequently as you breathe. That shows you know a lot more about art and cinema. ("Cinema" not "Movie")
9. Start talking about some sports other than cricket. Soccer/Golf/Tennis/F1 are all good starters. Make sure you make at least one Facebook status update and/or a tweet about the same
10. Label everything as "bullshit" /"crap" wherever possible. Including this post.

Good thing is you might need to follow just a couple of these to be counted as one of THEM.